smacky and bucky

I love bad films. The cheesier, the better. Tuesday nights in my town, a local bar hosts the Washington Psychotronic Film Society . Back when my wife and I were dating and felt like we needed to pretend to like everything our potential soulmate liked, she would come with me to see whatever film they happened to be showing. I Eat Your Flesh, Zombie Lake, and a host of others gave me my fix of trashy goodness. A $2 ticket gets you in, and if you save your ticket and hang around, they do drawings after the movie for weird crap. I haven't been in nearly two years, and never won anything, except for the final time we went. My wife and I met my former roommate (and fellow Africa Peace Corps volunteer) there for a going-away dinner before he left for grad school in Scotland. I can't recall the movie, but they called out my ticket number in the drawing and I won a mint, complete Escape from the Deathstar game from 1977.

This is all leading up to a short tale of the fond memory attached to a bizarre clip. Before each film, they show 30 minutes of different things: movie previews from the trashiest films ever made, short films, and strange music videos. One of the crowd favorites was Monkey Versus Robot, a fun sing-along telling the story about a monkey and a robot, destined to have a "giant rumble." Laura and I saw it the first time we attended one of these movies, and she later found the tune on Napster (back when it was free and illegal), and burned it onto a CD for me. It was one of the first gifts she ever gave me, and it was very sweet. I knew rather quickly that she was just humoring me by coming along on these nights, and her love of trashy films wasn't nearly as deep as mine. So for her to come, and not complain, and to have a good time anyway, was a real act of love. And making a CD of a goofy song and giving it to me was very cool.

Unfortunately, You Tube is down for maintenance, but I found the complete video here:

Someone please explain to me the appeal of the new Napster program. Paying $15 a month to "rent" songs from the service, songs you will never own, a service that if you cancel, all songs become unplayable, whether you had 5 or 5,000 on your player. I could see doing it if you knew you had six months to live or something, but why do it otherwise? Are today's teens so much more enamored with the "right now" experience that they don't consider the long term? Is purchasing music such an antiquated idea? C'mon kids, spill. What's the deal?

If there was any doubt that Fox News is the voice of the Republican White House, they just made it official: Fox News commentator Tony Snow will take over as the new White House press secretary. I suppose the good news is there will be one less person in the media kissing Bush's ass on a daily basis.

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The Continuing Home Improvement Adventures of Smacky

We have a strange cabinet in our kitchen. About 17 inches wide and six feet high, it serves no purpose. What are you supposed to store in it, mops and brooms? Yesterday I made and installed shelves for it. I got to use a few power tools in my new clean garage. I had to improvise a few times. For instance, I don't have any clamps, so I had to rest a propane tank on the other end of the board I was cutting to keep it steady. Real safe.

The smartest idea I had: For each shelf, I measured the dimensions, cut out a cardboard template, and put the cardboard shelf in place to see if I had measured correctly. In two instances, I had to cut an extra quarter inch off the left side. Then I placed the cardboard template over the shelving I had purchased, traced the outline, and made the cuts. They fit perfectly the first time. Total time for project: Just under one hour.

A beautiful afternoon yesterday. I got home from work, changed into shorts and a T-shirt, and went out to clean the garage. It's not your typical garage. It's not attached to the house. One side is a bay for a car, and the rest is a big open space, perfect for a "putzing around" workshop. The best part is: the garage is wired for electricity, with fluorescent lights and plugs everywhere.

I brought an old CD player out with me, and swept the floor to the music of Johnny and June Carter Cash duets. My favorite song they do is Long Legged Guitar Playin' Man. Here are the lyrics (Jo = Johnny, Ju = June):

Jo: Well I'm gonna start out walkin' just you wait and see
Ju: Uh-huh guitar picker you ain't leavin' without me
Jo: Oh you big mouth woman
Ju: You long legged guitar pickin' man
Both: But we can work this out
Jo: uh huh yes ma'm I think we can
Jo: Well I stole the Hope diamond hopin' I could shut your mouth
Ju: But how am I gonna wear it if I got to hide it out
Jo: Well you big mouth woman
Ju: You long legged guitar pickin' man
Both: But we can work this out
Jo: uh huh yes ma'm I think we can
Jo: Well I bought you a first class ticket for a luxury liner cruise
Ju: I got out in that ocean looked around and there was you
Jo: Oh you big mouth woman
Ju: You long legged guitar pickin' man
Both: But we can work this out
Jo: uh huh yes ma'm I think we can
Jo: I bought you a big long limousine
Ju: but I didn't want no car
Ju: I gave my love and everything
Jo: but you're still what you are
Jo: Oh you big mouth woman
Ju: You long legged guitar pickin' man
Both: But we can work this out
Jo: uh huh yes ma'm I think we can
Jo: Oh honey I love that big sweet mouth
Ju: You a long legged guitar pickin' man
Jo: Ha ha I'm gonna pick it for you now
Ju: You a nice guitar pickin' man

I found this on youtube: A nice tribute to them, that includes that song, along with a few others:

It wasn't my intention to post three video clips on the same day. I posted two yesterday, but a wonky server kept them from going up. This morning they went up automatically when I posted, so thus the flood.

Inspired by De, I thought I'd try to post something. Here's Johnny Cash playing Ring of Fire at the Grand Ole Opry in 1968.

Damn right.

Yep, since De began posting weird goodness on his blog from You Tube, I was inspired to give it a shot. So here's a video from one of my favorite bands of all time: Big Country. Enjoy!

(If it doesn't work, I'm an idiot and it's a Monday.)

...you take them both, and there you have the facts of life. The facts of life...


Our current house is old. Over 75 years old. We're on the city sewer system, but the plumbing was retrofitted to do that. For instance: We have a brand new washer in the basement. When the washer drains, it goes into a utility sink, then flows down a pipe into an underground tank, then a sump pump turns on and pumps the water up and out of the house.

In theory, a fine solution.

Unless the filter of the sump pump gets clogged.

Which is what happened yesterday.

I got home from work, dropped a load of laundry in the washer, and started to read the style section of the paper. [Did you know Tom Cruise's wife and Brooke Shields had their babies in the same hospital on the same day? How weird is that, considering the feud they have going (Psychaitry versus Psychotic fake religion)?]

The washer beeped that it was ready, and I went downstairs to put the laundry in the dryer. I immediately noticed water. A LOT OF WATER. This is your basic utilitarian basement, so there's no carpet or furniture to worry about, but seeing water pooled around the washer is upsetting just the same.

I went over to the sump pump and pried the lid open. The water was even with the floor, meaning the tank was completely full, which is never supposed to happen. I unplugged the still running sump pump and pondered for a moment. A sump pump is a very simple device, really. A sealed motor runs under water. Attached to the motor is a float, like in a toilet tank. In this case, the system works in reverse from a toilet. In a toilet, when the water level in the tank rises enough to raise the float, the water stops running. With the sump pump, when the water level rises enough to raise the float, the pump kicks on and flushes the water up a pipe, emptying the storage tank (FASCINATING, RIGHT?!?).

I followed the trails of the various pipes entering and leaving the tank, confirming that there was no chance the water could have anything... biological in it. The tank only held soapy water from the washer. Okay. Good. I couldn't see the bottom of the tank, but that's only because the water was soapy (milky). I got a broom stick and determined the depth of the tank. My arm could almost, but not quite, touch the bottom when the tank was full, as it was now.

Wet/dry vac to the rescue! I wheeled it over and began emptying the tank, 20 gallons at a time. Each time the vac was full, I had to carry the 20 gallons of water upstairs and pour it out outside. It took four trips, so the tank held about 80 gallons of water. Since the motor had been running, I assumed the pump was in good working order, and that left a very limited number of reasons why it wasn't draining. Holding a flashlight with one hand and plunging the other hand into the remaining gray, lukewarm water, I soon discovered the problem. After nearly 20 years, the filter (where the water enters the pump to be driven into the outlet pipe) was clogged with something nasty. It was a combination of lint, hair, and a million other elements. Grabbing handfuls of this sludge, I filled up three ziploc sandwich bags with the stuff.

I gave the motor and the filter one last check with my hand, confirming no more sludge, and ran clean water from the utility sink for a few minutes, allowing the tank to get some water in it. The float rose, the motor turned on, and the water drained completely in a few moments. All right.

I vacuumed up the remaining water on the floor and was done. Smacky handyman!

Of course, the two hour event wasn't without it's glitches. Since the lid had pipes running through it, I couldn't remove it all the way. I could only lift it and slide it over enough to get my arms inside. As a result, one side of my right forearm is completely covered with an abrasion from scraping it against the lid. I also have a giant bruise on my right bicep from rotating my extended arm to grab more sludge from the bottom of the tank and mashing the muscle against the lid.

But I fixed it, and didn't call a professional to do it, so I'm proud. This was a "2 beer" celebration after the job.

(blog post title from Land Down Under, Men At Work)

Feeling rather dull this week. I've been Joe Employee, Joe Homeowner, and Joe Husband this week, all at once.

• Work was busy, though it's slacking now, as I have two books with production and I'm awaiting the arrival of a manuscript at the end of the month.

• I mowed the lawn yesterday, as the temperature continues to climb. It's supposed to be in the low 80s today.

• I've been running various errands that would bore even me if I were to detail them here.

I had two Nathan's hot dogs for dinner last night, with chili, mustard, and onions. Yum.

See? Nothing happening. Just living. I'm reading a book (three actually. I put one down and pick up another.), Lost didn't air this week, and I haven't purchased anything more exciting than a box of Pop Tarts this week.

I also don't have any deep thoughts to share, so here's a question: Where would you like to be right now? Somewhere like this would be fine with me:

Over the weekend
a little bird built a nest
on the backyard fence.


My wife had Friday and Monday off, while I did not. She left for the river Thursday evening with the dog, while the cats and I watched a few episodes of the first season of Lost on DVD. (At this point in season 2, it's interesting to watch the early season 1 episodes. For example, Sawyer was truly a DICK. I mean, not charming, not likeable, no redeeming qualities at all. Even Hurley, who likes everybody, called Sawyer a "chain smokin' redneck" in part 2 of the pilot. A few episodes ago this season, Hurley beat Sawyer's ass, which rocked.)

Friday morning I went in to work and told my boss about Laura's long weekend, and asked if I could possibly take the afternoon off and go meet her. My boss said "Well, why don't you take Monday off too? I am. That sounds like a good idea." It took about half a second of arm twisting before I agreed, so I headed out of town at noon and we returned yesterday evening. That explains my unscheduled absence.

I received the Star Trek Borg collection on Saturday from my mother-in-law, out of the blue. My father-in-law and I watched the first four episodes, which began chronologically, with Enterprise, followed by three episodes of TNG. The first TNG episode, Q Who?, had Wil Wheaton as Wesley Crusher. He looks so uncomfortable. It's understandable, being an awkward teen actor on a show with a bunch of seasoned adults, and spouting science fiction lines with a straight face. It's too bad he chose to leave the show (due to teen hubris: he was going to become a big movie actor, and television was holding him back.) I wonder how he would have fit in as a young adult on the show, if his character had stayed on the ship. Okay, I'm veering into geek territory here.


I also picked up a copy of In Country on DVD for $2 at Family Dollar. Freakily enough, a week earlier, I was wondering if this movie had ever been released on DVD. The first serious acting role for Bruce Willis, playing a Vietnam vet with a few "issues." British actress Emily Lloyd does an amazing Southern accent, in my opinion. Interestingly, Amazon reviewers generally give the movie 5 stars or 1 star, with very few in the middle. The pace is slow, which I thought fit the tone of the movie (and the Bobbie Ann Mason book on which it is based). It's a character drama, not Apocalypse Now. If you leave your expectations at the door, the movie will surprise you.

Pretty good episode last night.

What we learned:

(1) "Henry" said "They'll never give you Walt," showing that
(a) "Henry" clearly knows who Walt is, and who has him.
(b) Thus confirming beyond a doubt that "Henry" is an Other.

(2) Charlie confirmed he and Eko are definitely building a church. End speculation.

(3) Kate finally told Jack about the medical hatch and the old clothes and fake beard. The way she told it, Jack didn't even know Kate, Claire, and Frenchie left together. These people have to start talking to each other!

(4) Rose had cancer, and believes the island cured her. She told Bernard the truth about Isaac and Australia. It was actually very sweet. Bernard said if she can't leave, he doesn't want to leave the island either. They officially have the only healthy relationship on the island, and they don't want to be rescued!

(5) Rose spoke to Locke in the airport, when he was in a wheelchair. She knows they have both benefited from the island's healing powers (as Isaac said, "Possibly magnetic.")

Other thoughts:

The writers completely ripped off Return of the Jedi, with Kate (Chewbacca) ignoring Jack (Luke) and grabbing the doll (piece of meat), triggering the net and trapping them. They even had a scene with her struggling to reach his gun (lightsaber). We know what Star Wars fans all the writers are, so this was their little homage. Corny, but funny.

Locke was losing his faith in the island, and his purpose. He actually left the hatch and went to the beach. Anna Lucia pushed the button for him, and he said, "It's not my button." After his talk with Rose, he remembered the island's healing powers, and it gave him a renewed sense of purpose. As a result, he started to remember more of the black-light map, and began correctly drawing it from memory.
=====================
UPDATE: Since Kate asked...

I listen to three different Lost podcasts (Okay, I download three each week, and find time to listen to them later!) The best ones are (all available on iTunes):

• Lostcasts (www.lostcasts.com): It's unofficial, but these three guys read ALL the different forums out there, discuss theories, and get really in-depth. Their recent podcast was nearly 2 hours long!

• Delta Park Gets Lost!: The two of them (husband and wife?) give episode recaps, and include actual clips from the show, which is kind of neat. Their podcasts are more manageable, at about 20 minutes each.

• The Official Lost Podcast: Two writers/producers on the show (Damon and the other guy who I can't recall) do their weekly podcast. They answer questions (usually in a vague or joking manner which can get annoying) and give little hints about things to look for in future episodes. The podcast also includes interviews with all the major actors on the show. Recent interviews have included Matthew (Jack), Evengeline (Kate), and Jorge (Hurley).

Can you imagine if the clothing styles people choose as teens followed them the rest of their lives? All the guys who were wearing super-baggy jeans five years ago would now be in the workplace, wearing size 48 long dress pants, cinched with a belt. Of course, their bosses would be wearing acid-wash jeans, parachute pants, and "Members Only" jackets.

The girl who had her own "unique" style in school would now be 40, wearing tights, plaid skirt, polka-dot shirt, ballet slippers, and a bath robe to the big board meeting, with her hair dyed pink and 50 rubber bracelets on each arm.

The CEO would likely have the pastel Miami Vice look going on, white shoes with no socks, and stubble.

And the poor goth kids! Forced to apply white face and heavy mascara forever!

There's definitely a reason kids go through all this. Thank God it's not permanent.

Spurred by a post by De about office decor, I decided to give a brief list of items in my windowless office.

So, sitting at my desk, going around the room, starting to my immediate right:

(1) Framed photo of Jack Kerouac. He's sitting in a worn out looking chair, reading a book.

(2) Picture of my cats. (I know, thank God I'm married or that would be creepy.)

(3) Picture of the Peace Corps volunteers with Danny Glover. He came to Burkina for a film festival and stopped by for a photo op. He's wearing a floor length, bright pink Bubu (an embroidered robe). The airline had lost his luggage on the trip over to Africa, so he wore this bright pink robe for most of the week he was in the country. Bright pink.

(4) Photo of wife and me at our friends' wedding.

(5) Signed photo of the Lone Ranger. This is rather obscure, as the photo of--and signed by--John Hart. He was the replacement Lone Ranger on the TV show for two seasons while the original, Clayton Moore, was having a contract dispute over salary. He signed it "To my good friend. I read you every week." This goes back to when I worked at my previous job, and was writing a weekly column on the internet. Long story about how he came to write that, so let's move on.

(6) Photo of Ernest Hemingway, writing at his desk.

On the bookcase to the left of my desk:

(7) Singed photo of Clive Barker. I met him at the Book Expo in Chicago.

(8) Singed photo of Kyra Schon, the little girl from the original Night of the Living Dead. In the movie, she becomes a zombie and kills and eats her parents. She signed it "I hurt," her only spoken line in the movie.

(9) Signed photo of Yvonne Craig in her Batwoman costume.

(10) Wall calendar. Dry erase.

(11) Ansel Adams poster (This came with the office.)


About a month ago I found a box set of vinyl records in a thrift store. It included a pristine black and white 8x10 of Hank Williams (senior). When I get a frame for it, it's going in my office somewhere, as it's simply too cool not to share with the world.

Allow me to set the scene:

Just over six years ago, I was a few months returned from Africa. Still had Africa's dirt between my toes (figuratively, okay? I bathed!). I had moved to DC, and had just found a real-life grown-up job, with health insurance and everything. A good number of my fellow volunteers had also moved to DC, so happy hours and weekends were like mini-reunions.

One happy hour I met up with my buddy Kerri, and she brought along her friend from high school. Her friend was a cute redhead with an adorable smile. We had a few, then a few more. On the walk back to the metro, I got Kerri alone and not-very-subtly slurred "You gotta give me her number!"

She diplomatically slipped back and asked her friend if that was okay. She said it was, and I got her number. I waited two days to call, not to be cool, but because I was nervous. I hadn't actually called and asked a girl on a date in seven years. I had dated the same girl for five years, then left for Africa--the land of no phones. Rusty? I was the freaking TIN MAN, frozen in the woods.

The call... Imagine an eight-year-old boy making a prank call to a sorority house. My voice was breaking like Peter Brady's in that episode in which his voice broke. A voice in my head was saying "Bail! Bail! Hang up!" I ignored it, and we ended up having our first date on April 10, 2000. She later said she had picked a Monday for our first date because if it was a disaster, at least it wasn't on the weekend. I later broke up with that girl and then I met my wife...

...Just kidding! That first date wasn't awful, and was the first of many. I married her. Six years ago today, Laura and I had our very first date. And since I was too nervous to be suave, she saw the real me, and decided she liked me.

So, you own a car worth about $7,000. You've been told it needs a new transmission, at a cost of $4,000. What do you do? If you have a brilliant, beautiful wife, she makes a call to her sister, who has a husband, who has an extra car!

After work yesterday I took a taxi to the dealership, picked up my car (after paying $88 so they could confirm what I told them when I took it in: transmission problem, duh!) and drove it home (It still drives fine, I should say. It just makes this noise that is a precursor to something awsul happening to it.)

When Laura got home, we went up to Maryland to visit her sister and her husband. Went out to a nice dinner with them and her father, then checked out the car. His other car had been sitting in his driveway since November, and the battery was so dead it wouldn't even start with jumper cables. One trip to Wal-Mart and one $44 battery later, and I was cruising down the highway in a Hyundai Tiburon. He's letting me drive the car until we sell the other house and get the dough to get another car (and trade in the VW, or leve it in a bad part of town with the keys in it?).

Yeah, a lot of complicated factors need to come together n the next few months, but I'll be able to drive during all of it, so it's okay. I love her family. They really came together to help me out.

Eighty percent of my office is at our conference on the other side of the country, so it is QUIET here this week. I opted out, since I have work to do here, and the idea of two cross-country coach-class flights in three days sounds like hell to me.

I'm enjoying the silence. Actually, I'm enjoying a new CD my wife found for me: Africa Remix-- Ah Freak Iya, Contemporary Music of the Continent. It is awesome!

Listen to track 2: Coupe Bibamba by Awilo Longomba. This song was a monster hit in 1998, all over Africa. So I heard this song several times a day for months when I was over there. Finally tracking down a copy on CD? Priceless.

Listen to track 16: Paradiso by Konono No 1. Oh WOW. This song is an amazing discovery. The band is from Congo, and they play homemade traditional instruments that are amplified until the are distorted like Hendrix. It's like African punk. I'm picking up their CD Congotronics (great title!) soon.

I'm taking tomorrow off, and taking a long weekend. Because if the entire office is out, I want to be also.

The dealership wants to install a new transmission at a cost of $3,900.

AAMCO will do the same thing for $3,500.

Anybody want to buy a VW Beetle, cheap? Needs only minor work.

My car is making a noise. A clicking noise. Like a baseball card in the spokes of a bicycle tire. It only makes this noise when the car is coasting. No foot on the gas, no foot on the brakes.

Here's the drama:

Bad news: I thought it might be the brakes, since no engine light is on. I took it to Midas yesterday for them to check out. They said it's not the brakes, might be the transmission.

Good news: They didn't charge me to diagnose this.

Bad news: It might be the transmission! This morning, I took it to a garage (7am). They're going to check it over and call. This time, the diagnosis will cost $100.

Good news: The phone book contained a coupon for their garage for 10% off the total cost. Hey, it's something.

Good news: The walk from the garage to my office this morning, about 2 miles, was nearly entirely downhill.

Bad news: The walk back this evening will be almost entirely uphill!

Three hour drive + Smiths/Morrissey Sirius weekend marathon = Sad Smacky

There is such a thing as too much moping. I think my ability to do it for hours at a time is finished. I'm now mope-intolerant. I need a lactose-free brand of mope. I did sing along the entire way though. Lots o' memories attached to those songs.